In Retrospect

Sometimes I look back and realize how different it was, not for the worse, but for the better. I re-read the letters you sent, and relive the times we shared and I realize just how special and amazing it all really was. I'm lucky, though in the end things didn't work out, I had something very special and uncommon in you, a real love. I wish I had behaved better, been nicer, been so much less consumed by my fears. I don't wish things were different now, because I know you are happy, and really that is all I ever wanted. I know what being loved feels like, you taught me. I made many mistakes in my time, but none ever so big as taking you for granted. So if you wonder sometimes if I'm ok and happy, I am. I take great comfort knowing it is possible for someone to love me with all of their heart, it's something I never believed before you.

Narrative

Life is a story, tell yours.

Ghost Busters

A spark in the dark, a hope in your heart, a sureness of spirit and strength of a thankful mind can protect you! Shine a light on the ghostly creatures in the corner! Beat them back with your brightness! Be brave! Be bold! Be creative! Fill the void with dreams of things to come, with determination, with love and knowledge! Look upon them and be afraid no longer! What can a ghost do but talk, but whisper? What power does a ghost have that you don't give it? What would they become if you didn't listen? None. Not the slightest bit. Nothing. You are you, and that is all you have to be. You are the best you there is, not a single other person out there has the same combination of things that make up you. You are unique and one of a kind! You are special in a way that only YOU can be. If you ever find yourself in the dark my friend, I will always let you borrow my flashlight.

Ghosts

They exist right there on the edge of you just far enough out that you can't always see them. You feel them though, haunting you. Past reflections of things gone wrong, changes you wish you could make, chances you wish you had taken, broken hopes and fallen dreams. Personal ghosts whispering siren songs in your ear. Disturbingly present and persistent at all times, growing louder and more fierce with every doubt. They lead you off course with a pull so strong you almost don't even realize it has happened until it's too late and you are headed over the cliff into the jagged rocks below. They twist and turn everything inside you, mutate it until confidence becomes arrogance, nobility becomes selfishness, aspirations become impossibilities, mistakes become regrets, anticipation becomes fear and hopes turn bitter and sour, until the you that once was becomes.... haunted.

Understanding

Understand is such a common place word these days, but somehow I think it has lost a bit of it's meaning. It used to be a term of sympathy, of empathy really, to understand was to appreciate another point of view, to see a situation through the eyes of another. Now to understand is a dismissive word people use when what they really mean is I don't want to listen anymore, but that seems too harsh to say out loud. I understand means, I have reasoned a way to line up and box in your perspective so it fits within mine. While those two things may feel the same, they aren't. I guess that's why when you say I understand, it just isn't as comforting as it once was.

Close The Book

I have written the untold tale, all the things I never said out loud when you were here, all the thoughts I kept to myself. I've written you a thousand letters I will never send. I play all the right songs at all the perfect moments, knowing you are too far away to hear them. My secret narrative tells all about how the thought of being responsible for your happiness terrified me more than anything has ever terrified me before, how I still run my hands along the things you touched searching for your echoes, how I lied when I made it seem like I had ever been more special than in your eyes, how being with you was the first time falling in love felt plausible, how watching you leave me behind is like ripping out a piece of my soul, how I miss you so much sometimes I forget to breathe, how seeing you happy means more than any painful part possibly could, how sorry I am I didn't stay, how I love you, how I always will. The truth is, even if I wanted to show you my words it would be impossible, those two people no longer exist. You and I are just a story no one reads anymore. Here on the last unvoiced page, it finally reads: The End.

Flood Gates

Break apart my life, bury myself under the weight of all it's pieces. Pour the rain down and take away my umbrella, bring the thunder and the lightning, leave me gasping for air. Do your worst, give me all you've got. I will swim, I will break free, I will escape, I will survive. You can not ever beat me down so far I will not get up again. I have felt the weight of the world, I know I can carry it. You will not win, here, now or ever. I may not always be stronger than you, but I can outlast you in every course. Let everything else fall away, I will stand, I will hold on, I will endure.