Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Memory is cruel and brutal at times, a thing lost, a grief incurred, a heart broken, a trust betrayed, a disappointment endured, a longing unrequited can quite often upon remembrance bring as much pain as the thing itself had at the time it occurred. The pangs of regret can stretch a moment out so far it feels impossible it ever was but a moment, and now seems to be an eternity, a lifetime to pass either since or before it's end. While painful in it's time a sorrow more than anything shapes the person you are, and are to become. Mourn the death of the innocence lost of the version you were before, and feel comfortable in looking back. Memories fade, as do scars, cuts heal and broken hearts mend. Forgive your memories the pain they cause, and forgive yourself the mistakes they represent. Take each unhappiness and hard stroke of fate and let it shape you rather than break you. Turn your memories from brutal and cruel and forge them into tools, let them help you build your character. Love all the parts of you, cherish the best, embrace the sad, calm the spiteful, soften the angry, and forgive the rest. Each part makes up the whole of you, and that above all else is precious, more so than any regret could possibly be.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
What's that? Yes, I know it's late but I just had to tell you this. Sometimes things are just terrible, and there is no arguing a day where everything goes wrong, every red light awaits, every paper cuts, and not a single plan comes through. Good people are sick, bad people are not, and Karma seems to have taken the day off. Worries and loneliness plague the mind and sleep seems to be only a distant albeit fruitless memory. Yes? I know, but that is not the point, this is. Thank you for answering my call so late, and listening to me complain. Thank you for spending your time on me when you could be spending it somewhere else. Thank you for loving me on bad days. Thank you for constantly thinking the best in me and believing in me even at those times when I find it hard to do myself. But very most of all, thank you for giving me this one good thing, it means more than this one bad day.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
It seems that you are always searching, and while I applaud your enthusiasm for new and more and different and better, I think you are losing something in the process. I don't doubt the reality of more and new and better and different, but isn't there also some value in old and less and consistency and what you already have right in front of you? Do you miss the great things in front of you (and behind you) because you are too busy looking past them to what is next, to some incredible ideal? Is it so wrong to be satisfied? Is it really so dangerous to be happy with what you have? I just don't understand how you will ever be in a place to appreciate what you have if you are always waiting to see if something better comes along, worried you are missing out. How can anyone or anything ever be made to feel special under those circumstances? And how can anything survive without ever being made to feel remarkable?
Thursday, August 26, 2010
There is no neon light, no green indicator, no buzzer that sounds or clouds that part and shine down heavenly light. I won't be wearing a sign saying "Me! I'm the one! I'm super special!" when you meet me. Though my dazzle may take time to find, it is there. Like a good book well worn and re-read, the deeper you look the better I get, but you have to take the time to learn the story. If you do not see me, the failure of sight is in you, I am still here regardless. The lack of your being able to find my allure, does not change it's existence. You can disapprove all you like, but I'm waiting for the heart that learns my beat, and I refuse to settle for anything less.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
In daily life, in passing, the smile does not receive a great deal of contemplation or fret. To a person with happiness to spare, a smile is a sign of the feelings bubbling up inside them. To a person with deep sorrow a smile is a hope for a better tomorrow. To a person in an uncomfortable situation a smile is a way to deflect the incoming uncertainty. Much of the time, a smile is no more than an extension of the feelings happening inside a person. A smile is, and nothing more, except when it isn't. A missing smile is where all the attention about smiles occur. Once a smile goes missing, people big and little will do all kinds of things to get it back. So really, the most important part of a smile is that it exists. :)
Monday, June 7, 2010
Sometimes I look back and realize how different it was, not for the worse, but for the better. I re-read the letters you sent, and relive the times we shared and I realize just how special and amazing it all really was. I'm lucky, though in the end things didn't work out, I had something very special and uncommon in you, a real love. I wish I had behaved better, been nicer, been so much less consumed by my fears. I don't wish things were different now, because I know you are happy, and really that is all I ever wanted. I know what being loved feels like, you taught me. I made many mistakes in my time, but none ever so big as taking you for granted. So if you wonder sometimes if I'm ok and happy, I am. I take great comfort knowing it is possible for someone to love me with all of their heart, it's something I never believed before you.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
A spark in the dark, a hope in your heart, a sureness of spirit and strength of a thankful mind can protect you! Shine a light on the ghostly creatures in the corner! Beat them back with your brightness! Be brave! Be bold! Be creative! Fill the void with dreams of things to come, with determination, with love and knowledge! Look upon them and be afraid no longer! What can a ghost do but talk, but whisper? What power does a ghost have that you don't give it? What would they become if you didn't listen? None. Not the slightest bit. Nothing. You are you, and that is all you have to be. You are the best you there is, not a single other person out there has the same combination of things that make up you. You are unique and one of a kind! You are special in a way that only YOU can be. If you ever find yourself in the dark my friend, I will always let you borrow my flashlight.
They exist right there on the edge of you just far enough out that you can't always see them. You feel them though, haunting you. Past reflections of things gone wrong, changes you wish you could make, chances you wish you had taken, broken hopes and fallen dreams. Personal ghosts whispering siren songs in your ear. Disturbingly present and persistent at all times, growing louder and more fierce with every doubt. They lead you off course with a pull so strong you almost don't even realize it has happened until it's too late and you are headed over the cliff into the jagged rocks below. They twist and turn everything inside you, mutate it until confidence becomes arrogance, nobility becomes selfishness, aspirations become impossibilities, mistakes become regrets, anticipation becomes fear and hopes turn bitter and sour, until the you that once was becomes.... haunted.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Understand is such a common place word these days, but somehow I think it has lost a bit of it's meaning. It used to be a term of sympathy, of empathy really, to understand was to appreciate another point of view, to see a situation through the eyes of another. Now to understand is a dismissive word people use when what they really mean is I don't want to listen anymore, but that seems too harsh to say out loud. I understand means, I have reasoned a way to line up and box in your perspective so it fits within mine. While those two things may feel the same, they aren't. I guess that's why when you say I understand, it just isn't as comforting as it once was.
Friday, April 9, 2010
I have written the untold tale, all the things I never said out loud when you were here, all the thoughts I kept to myself. I've written you a thousand letters I will never send. I play all the right songs at all the perfect moments, knowing you are too far away to hear them. My secret narrative tells all about how the thought of being responsible for your happiness terrified me more than anything has ever terrified me before, how I still run my hands along the things you touched searching for your echoes, how I lied when I made it seem like I had ever been more special than in your eyes, how being with you was the first time falling in love felt plausible, how watching you leave me behind is like ripping out a piece of my soul, how I miss you so much sometimes I forget to breathe, how seeing you happy means more than any painful part possibly could, how sorry I am I didn't stay, how I love you, how I always will. The truth is, even if I wanted to show you my words it would be impossible, those two people no longer exist. You and I are just a story no one reads anymore. Here on the last unvoiced page, it finally reads: The End.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Break apart my life, bury myself under the weight of all it's pieces. Pour the rain down and take away my umbrella, bring the thunder and the lightning, leave me gasping for air. Do your worst, give me all you've got. I will swim, I will break free, I will escape, I will survive. You can not ever beat me down so far I will not get up again. I have felt the weight of the world, I know I can carry it. You will not win, here, now or ever. I may not always be stronger than you, but I can outlast you in every course. Let everything else fall away, I will stand, I will hold on, I will endure.
Friday, February 26, 2010
When your heart breaks my heart breaks too, once for me and once for you. When you shed tears I shed tears too, once for me and once for you. When you bleed I bleed too, once for me and once for you. Heartache compounded, my love for you runs deep. You are not alone, I am here, right here, where I always have been. I am hoping as hard as I can while you despair, I will fill up the world with good thoughts for you. Don't give up, because I won't ever give up on you.
Happiness is not free, understanding is not free, change is not free. We, each of us, pay a price for the things we so desperately crave. True appreciation is most often followed only by great hurt. In order to gain the full spectrum of happiness, we must go through the full spectrum of sorrow, only in this way will you be able to tell how immense the difference between the two. Know my friend, that when it cuts too deep, when you feel too tired, when it hurts too much, this is the price. You are paying it now, so that later when your happiness arrives it will be more splendid and more significant than it ever could have been before.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
It's not that I don't think you will understand (well maybe that's exactly it) I just don't see the point. I have this entire world inside my head I don't let you (or most people) in on. It's not personal, or elitist, I'm not keeping things from you out of spite. On purpose, and often, but not with malicious intent. You just have this idea of me so set in your head, what is the point of arguing with you? I am still who I am regardless of your opinion, that doesn't change because you cant see it. Still, I wonder sometimes if you know what you are missing out on deciding what I think before I say it. And even more often I wonder if you will ever know who I am apart from your preconceived notions. It's pretty awesome in my little world, I'm sad you won't ever get to see it.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
I know you don't know my name. I know you have no idea how much we have in common. I know you have no clue that without knowing it you picked out my favorite color, favorite song, favorite movie, favorite quote and favorite food. I had no idea things would turn out this way, but I have never been more glad about a chance taken. I know you don't realize this yet, but you and I are going to mean so much to each other.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Sleep is such a tricky devious thing. I have begun to hate sleep, and dreaming. When I am awake I know what is real, what is true. Dreams confuse the issue. I have resolved never to sleep again. I can't bear the mornings anymore. Every time I wake I have to leave a world where you're still alive for the real world where you aren't.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Remember, when the world feels cold, when you hopes feel broken, when you heart feels drained, when your resolve feels weak; I have arms to give you warmth, words to mend your hopes, love to fill your heart, and strength to support you. I believe in you, I always have and I always will. You can do anything, and yet if you do not succeed? I promise to love you still, for the only measure I ever ask is that you TRY.
Monday, January 18, 2010
It doesn't matter what I say, I could be speaking portuguese for all the difference it would make. You are not hearing a single word, and you are so angry for such a silly reason. It's difficult to hear another point of view when you are so busy screaming your own at everyone. Your hurt and suffering is so loud I'm surprised you hear anything else. I wish I could open that door for you, and show you how to get to the world on the other side of it. But each time I open up that door I find nothing but a brick wall, blocking up the exit.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Friendship makes the world shine brighter, friendship will amplify happiness and dull the sharp pang of sorrow by dividing it and sharing it amongst each other. It spreads the load evenly so everyone bears only what is possible for them. Share your life with someone, it will be immeasurably more rich when you do.